How Do I Feel?

How are you? How do you feel?  These questions come from the people brave enough to ask. Most people don’t ask. They are unsure of what to say. How to react.

I’m not exactly sure. Miscarriages aren’t often talk about. They happen, but there is no gathering like a wake or a funeral. There is no bereavement leave. There is no public acknowledgement of a loss. So…it makes you wonder if you’ve really lost something. Should I be grieving for someone I never held? My friend Catherine reminded me that we make plans and have hopes and dreams so early. It’s ok to grieve the loss of those. It takes time to readjust. My Sunday School teacher explained that grief takes a large amount of brain energy. That my spaciness isn’t the medicine as much as my brain in overload to process a miscarriage.

 

I usually answer with, I’m OK or I’m good. Which are true. I don’t know how to lay in bed for 3 days feeling depressed. Things happen and you move on. This is life.

 

I’ve grieved. That includes tears. sobs. shock. avoidance. busy busy busy as to not think. going through the motions. do what you have to do because life goes on.  swinging back and forth from detachment to heartache. I’m not sure what stage of grieving that puts me in, but I know I’m there.

 

I read a book. Heaven is for Real. Good book. Fast read. It was probably too early to read it. Certainly to early to read it while on a plane to NYC. I’m pretty sure the young guy sitting in the middle seat next to me would have preferred this complete stranger to not be sobbing next to him on a 2 hour flight. Don’t worry. I didn’t cry the whole time. Just a few seconds behind my book. Point is…it reminded me that this world isn’t it. There is more. Heaven is yet to come.

 

This is what I believe. God is good. He loves me. While my circumstances in life have changed, He hasn’t. I don’t understand it, but I believe I don’t have to understand.