Oklahoma

Carsyn spent part of Spring Break in Oklahoma with Granny and PaPa T because our babysitter, Brandy, took a few days off. So that means I drove up there to get her and spend some time with the fam during March Madness.

I’m trying to get a cut pic of Gage and me because we were matching. I had on white and grey stripes and he had on white and grey koala bears.

  His little old man face.

 

Finally got a good picture of me and I his eyes look great, but I think he was so over it.

 

 

Carsyn loves playing at Granny and Papa T’s house.

 

There is sidewalk chalk.

Checking the mail with PaPa T.

Sorting the rocks in the flower bed.

 

Then there is the park.

  Carsyn and Toby (my cousin Katie’s little boy) had a blast going up and down the slides.

 

  Gage and me again. Now were just like twinkies. Both wearing grey and white stripes. Again, Gage has no interest in posing in a picture with me.

 

Hi sweet Stormie Mae. This is my cousin Katie’s little girl.

 

Looks like Gage picked up the rock sorting skills from Carsyn.

 

 

Here is Carsyn on a big kid swing. She’s not a fan yet. She was on the verge of crying at this point. Don’t worry. I took a super quick pic and then picked her up.

Thanks for such a great time Granny and PaPa T.

Happy St. Patty's Day

You better be wearing green our I'll pinch you!

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Raisenberry Lipstick

Raisenberry lipstick. She found it when Granny was getting ready. She was in the laundry room applying it. Sneaky!

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How Do I Feel?

How are you? How do you feel?  These questions come from the people brave enough to ask. Most people don’t ask. They are unsure of what to say. How to react.

I’m not exactly sure. Miscarriages aren’t often talk about. They happen, but there is no gathering like a wake or a funeral. There is no bereavement leave. There is no public acknowledgement of a loss. So…it makes you wonder if you’ve really lost something. Should I be grieving for someone I never held? My friend Catherine reminded me that we make plans and have hopes and dreams so early. It’s ok to grieve the loss of those. It takes time to readjust. My Sunday School teacher explained that grief takes a large amount of brain energy. That my spaciness isn’t the medicine as much as my brain in overload to process a miscarriage.

 

I usually answer with, I’m OK or I’m good. Which are true. I don’t know how to lay in bed for 3 days feeling depressed. Things happen and you move on. This is life.

 

I’ve grieved. That includes tears. sobs. shock. avoidance. busy busy busy as to not think. going through the motions. do what you have to do because life goes on.  swinging back and forth from detachment to heartache. I’m not sure what stage of grieving that puts me in, but I know I’m there.

 

I read a book. Heaven is for Real. Good book. Fast read. It was probably too early to read it. Certainly to early to read it while on a plane to NYC. I’m pretty sure the young guy sitting in the middle seat next to me would have preferred this complete stranger to not be sobbing next to him on a 2 hour flight. Don’t worry. I didn’t cry the whole time. Just a few seconds behind my book. Point is…it reminded me that this world isn’t it. There is more. Heaven is yet to come.

 

This is what I believe. God is good. He loves me. While my circumstances in life have changed, He hasn’t. I don’t understand it, but I believe I don’t have to understand.

Carsyn Play

Baby girl spent the week playing with Granny. How fun is that!?! She loves that slide.

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First Class

I'm NYC bound. My original flight was canceled. Irritating. 2 hours delayed. Silver lining...I now get to fly first class all the way to New York. Less irritated.

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Miscarriage

I realize that my pregnancy will be news to some. The reality is we just weren't pregnant long enough to share our news with everyone. I would have been 7 weeks today. I called the doctor Monday because I was bleeding. Went in for blood work to check my HCG levels. Felt hopeful at that point. Tuesday brought more bleeding, but lab results came back positive. Despite the results, I'm beginning to doubt. That night I was in pain. Woke up about 3:30 and knew I was bleeding heavily. Up for about 30 minutes. Called the doctor's office the next morning and had an appointment that afternoon.

Thoughts on miscarriages:
They are painful.
They are more common than you'd think. About 20-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriages. That fact is not comforting. Frankly right now I wish it was the most unique oddity know to man. That my very personal pain would not be so easily equated to your cousin, friend from high school or you. That my situation would be special and my trauma
They are not quick. It's a process. What happens at home may not be it. You think it was bad enough, but it's not always over. I spent almost 3 hours at the doctor's office waiting for confirmation of what my heart already knew. Then they tell my body didn't take care of everything.
They are expensive. It costs more to not have a baby than to have one. Insult to injury.
They don't stop the world. I went to work Wednesday and today. (blogging break. Carsyn is naked in her bed. World doesn't stop.)

Tony has been so sweet. He is being strong for me and I need it. I've pretty much have been teetering on the edge for 3 days and he's holding on so I don't crash.

More reality. I'm not done. Technically I'm in the middle of a miscarriage. I go to the hospital in the morning for an out patient procedure. So I reserve the right to add or change my thought on miscarriages tomorrow. After my miscarriage is over.

Happy note...getting highlights in my hair on Sunday night.

Stickers

Who loves stickers??? Carsyn does. Only Carsyn can’t get the stickers off the sheet by herself. Therefore sticker time is a group activity. yay.

What Cha Wearing?

Nothing. Nothing really. Just this tank in the floor and thought I’d throw it on.

Carsyn found one of my tanks and thought she’d look good in it. Then she had to go play with her bear.

Very funny little girl!

What’s for Dinner?

 

A whole Sonic burger. A big burger. A manly burger. She ate it. All. Except for a pickle and the bottom bun.

 

And Frosted Flakes. I really have nothing else to say about that.